Monday, April 23, 2012

Chapter 6: Encouragement

I love this chapter, as the area of encouraging children has been a personal interest of mine for a long time.  I began my education career believing that by telling my students, "Great job!" or "I am so proud of you" or other such comments, I would be building their feelings of self-confidence and self-efficacy (belief in their ability to succeed in a specific area).  I lavished my students with such compliments... and started to notice something.  While my students and I seemed to have a great relationship, I realized that they became quite dependent on me.  Did I like their picture?  Did I think they did a good job in math?  Was I proud of them? Something was off.

Around this time (my 2nd or 3rd year of teaching), I began to learn about more child-centered approaches to discipline and helping students to establishes an internal "locus of control."  When we provide the above types of compliments to our children, we are also establishing ourselves as their judge of what's good or not - and often forcing them to seek outside sources for approval, instead of relying upon themselves.   

Don't get me wrong - praise is NOT a bad thing and I believe it is absolutely essential that we not only  NOTICE our children's behavior, efforts and work, but ACKNOWLEDGE and CELEBRATE it as well.  However, I think there are better ways to meet this goal than consistantly giving vague compliments.

Once again, I embrace Bailey's framework for acknowledging students.  I use this phrase constantly with students and have had great results:

"_(Name)_, you _(behavior)_ so that _(effect)_.  That was helpful, kind, brave, etc.!"
"Lulu, you shared your toy so that Sam could play with it too.  That was kind!"

Even though it feels a bit forced at the beginning, once you begin using this phrase, it easily fits into your daily language and brings upon an immediate beam by the child!  You noticed and celebrated the behavior you want to see continue, without being vague or placing your judgment.  You simply noticed it and added a "tag" to describe the values you saw.

I find this chapter to have so many practical, real life and applicable phrases to begin to integrate into your language with children.  Hopefully you have found the same benefit!  Share any of the phrases that connect with you or any others that you use to notice and encourage your child.  Thanks for reading!


Monday, February 27, 2012

Chapter 5: Choices

Ever since I started my courses in education, I have heard about the importance of offering students of all ages choices.  I was always taught that choices allowed the child to feel control, while working within your own personal limits.  It sounded like the perfect discipline strategy...

Needless to say, I was so surprised to hear the emphatic, "NO!" when I began offering choices to some of my students.  I thought I was giving them a chance to feel control, but instead I felt as though they were trying to control me!  I got the concept of providing choices, but had no clue where to go from there.

Upon reading this chapter and delving into Conscious Discipline, I realized that I needed to reflect/change a couple of things.

1.  My choices weren't always positive ("You may sit here and keep your hands to yourself or you may leave the group.  Which one works for you?").  I tended, as many parents & teachers often do, to offer "false" choices in order to coerce my students into doing something.  Instead I probably could have said, "You may sit here or you may sit here closer to me.  At both places, keep your hands to yourself.  Which one works for you?"

2.  Look at the reason WHY the child is resisting.  Target the response based on those reasons instead of on my frustration that the child isn't making one of my choices.

3.  Remember, the Power of Perception & Free Will!  I own my feelings and I can only control my own behavior.  Download calm to the child, even if it is difficult to feel.

4.  Involve the child in problem solving, again owning up to my own behavior.  The child will learn decision making skills during this process and will be more apt to make a positive choice when offered.

As someone who tends to be a wishy-washy decision maker, I love this idea of teaching children the power of decisions early in life.  Feel free to comment if interested!

Thanks for reading~

-What were your reactions to reading "The Blame Game" section?
-Share some positive moments with providing choices.
-What are some of your "what ifs" with choices?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Chapter 4: Assertiveness


Bailey states, "The goal of assertiveness is clarity."  The goal is not to please others or to show anger to others.  The goal is to directly explain how we feel and what we need or want.  Sounds easy in theory, right?

Everyday I teach children how to be assertive with one another as I believe that it is through assertive communication that children become empowered and find worth in themselves.  In all honestly, sometimes this lesson is hard for even adults to learn, particularly when assertive communication is not something that has necessarily been taught to us.

I began really using Bailey's assertive communication with kids three years ago and struggled with it at first - was I being rude to state assertive commands to my students?  I learned that by directly stating my feelings and wants, children could easily relate.  There was no confusion - my expectations were my expectations and kids have respected that.  I also found that utilizing assertive communication allowed me to really utilize a calm and respectful tone with kids, even when frustrated.  My voice tends to rise as I get more and more frustrated, leading into more passive-aggressive comments (I have some not so fond memories of trying to get my first kindergarten class "under control").  However, when I am focusing upon assertively stating my feelings and needs to create a teachable moment, I am continually surprised at how calm I remain.  I think that this calmness is "downloaded" to my students and allows for a better learning opportunity.

Feel free to make some comments about your thoughts on the chapter.
-Which passive-aggressive beliefs have you held on to, and which are you willing to let go?
-Do you like the structure Bailey has provided for assertive communication?
-Share your thoughts upon using tattling as teachable moment for assertiveness.

Thank you for reading!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Love and Logic Tips - Questions to Invoke Critical Thought

This year, in particular, I have heard about how important it is to build critical thinking and problem solving within our kids.  More and more, CEOs, bosses and administrators are looking less for someone who had a really high GPA, but more for candidates who have the ability to think on their feet, utilize multiple perspectives, and are able to find creative strategies for solving real life problems.  Our staff has been consistently discussing ways we can build critical thinking - strategic questioning, design challenges, and thinking about our thinking (metacognition).  I came across these tips from Love and Logic (http://www.loveandlogic.com/) and wanted to share.  I encourage everyone to subscribe to their weekly emails - full of helpful tips - and give yourself some time to check out the website.  See below for tips or check out this site:  http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1411144641.

The more questions we ask,
the better thinkers our kids will become.
 
People who understand Love and Logic also understand that the human brain seeks closure. When we use plenty of questions, children's brains are so busy searching for closure that they have less energy left over for power-struggles.
 
The more questions we ask,
the fewer power-struggles we will have.
 
Kids grow the healthiest and strongest brains when they're fortunate to spend time around adults who say things like:
  • "I don't know. What do you think?"
  • "Are you sure that's the best idea?"
  • "How do you think that's going to work out for you?"
  • "Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"
  • "Do you think that's going to work out well or ________?"
  • "What do you think you are going to do?"
  • "Which one of these is the best solution to your problem?"
  • "Do you have enough money to pay for any possible damage?"
  • "Is that a wise decision?"
In our audio Raising the Odds for Responsible Behavior, we teach a variety of additional tools for giving children the gift of good thinking skills. Perhaps the quickest way to start giving this gift is to get into the habit of asking instead of telling.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
Dr. Charles Fay
 
 
©2011 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Chapter 3: The Seven Basic Discipline Skills

As a counselor, I always prided myself on using positive self talk and being so aware of my own behaviors and thoughts.  This summer, however, a trusted friend was able to tell me, "you are so hard on yourself."  I had never really heard it, until then.  I started being very aware of the things I was telling myself on a day to day basis - "don't screw this up," "what if...," or "I knew better than that" - things I would never think about saying to a loved one, especially a child.  I realized that for me to truly own my own behavior, attitude and thoughts, I needed to begin talking to myself as I would a friend. 

As I was reading this chapter, I kept going back to how MY self-talk directly relates to how I respond to a child.  In order for me to teach children with love, I need to start treating myself with love as well.  While I am still working on it, I am very pleased to say that through my changing self-talk, I have been feeling much more content with me (and all of my mistakes) and more available to really work with my students. 

Bailey describes "discipline encounters" as moments where teaching needs to occur but carefully does not refer to these moments as problems, misbehaviors or issues.  I love the idea that it is our job as adults to distinguish between our children's wants and needs.  Some needs I notice often in school is for children to learn how to delay gratification, handle disappointment and build patience (let's be honest, don't we all still have those needs?!).  Instead of focusing upon getting the child to accept that something is not possible, I love this concept that we can teach these specific skills.

Some questions to guide your responses... though we  have none so far.  Please contribute!!
-On page 52, Bailey discusses the tools that most parents use.  Which tools did you experience as a kid, and which ones are you still using?
-What are some of your "what ifs?"
-Do you agree/disagree with the anatomy of the discipline encounter?  Would you make any changes to it?
-Share any connections!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Chapter 2: The Seven Powers for Self-Control

Wow!  This chapter held so much information...  I like how the author encouraged us to take it slow!

At this point, some of you may be wondering why this chapter focuses so much on you, the parent, instead of how to "handle" your kids.  I'll be honest - when I first began learning about Conscious Discipline, this was my first thought!  But upon reflection, the only person you can make change is yourself... and it is how you respond to situations and create loving environments that offer the best discipline strategies and guidance for our kids.  Therefore, first we look towards ourselves!

I can relate to each of the "powers," but some of my favorites that I have been really working towards are listed below:


1.  The Power of Intention - Conflict is an opportunity to teach.  As someone who has been a pleaser her whole life, conflict can be difficult for me.  I love looking at it in this light - conflict is not a bad thing, but can be a positive aspect in our lives.  This idea has really helped me in my relationships with co-workers (and my husband!) and also in calmly helping students who are in a conflict.


2.   The Power of Love - See the best in one another!  Unfortunately, it is so easy to make quick snap judgments about one another... and about our kids.  Seeing the best allows me to not only feel more positive about situations (that may have caused upset in the past), but also allows me the opportunity to focus upon what I want with kids, instead of what I don't want.  

An example:  I was teaching a guidance lesson with a class and early on in the lesson a student started yelling at a classmate for accidentally hitting her.  A conflict immediately ensued. I had two thoughts - first, this was really distracting to my lesson and second, these students needed to learn some basic conflict resolution skills.  One of the students had even started crying.  I said, "It seems like you have a choice.  You can choose to continue to get upset about this and focus on that instead of the lesson or you can choose to hold your frustration and talk it out at the end of the lesson.  Which would work for you?"  Both students chose to wait and at the end of the lesson, they had a very positive conflict resolution.  So positive, in fact, that they stated they wanted to both do the same thing with other students!  I felt like I was able to calmly and quickly respond, and help them to learn conflict resolution skills.  Thank you, Dr. Bailey!

OK... so here are some thoughts to guide you in discussion, please comment!!!
-Which powers do you connect with most?
-Which powers are most difficult for you?
-What do you think so far about the book?  Are you particularly interested/disinterested in any parts?