Hilburn School Counselor

Chapter 5: Choices

2012-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Ever since I started my courses in education, I have heard about the importance of offering students of all ages choices. I was always taught that choices allowed the child to feel control, while working within your own personal limits. It sounded like the perfect discipline strategy...

Needless to say, I was so surprised to hear the emphatic, "NO!" when I began offering choices to some of my students. I thought I was giving them a chance to feel control, but instead I felt as though they were trying to control me! I got the concept of providing choices, but had no clue where to go from there.

Upon reading this chapter and delving into Conscious Discipline, I realized that I needed to reflect/change a couple of things.

1. My choices weren't always positive ("You may sit here and keep your hands to yourself or you may leave the group. Which one works for you?"). I tended, as many parents & teachers often do, to offer "false" choices in order to coerce my students into doing something. Instead I probably could have said, "You may sit here or you may sit here closer to me. At both places, keep your hands to yourself. Which one works for you?"

2. Look at the reason WHY the child is resisting. Target the response based on those reasons instead of on my frustration that the child isn't making one of my choices.

3. Remember, the Power of Perception & Free Will! I own my feelings and I can only control my own behavior. Download calm to the child, even if it is difficult to feel.

4. Involve the child in problem solving, again owning up to my own behavior. The child will learn decision making skills during this process and will be more apt to make a positive choice when offered.

As someone who tends to be a wishy-washy decision maker, I love this idea of teaching children the power of decisions early in life. Feel free to comment if interested!

Thanks for reading~

-What were your reactions to reading "The Blame Game" section?
-Share some positive moments with providing choices.
-What are some of your "what ifs" with choices?

Chapter 4: Assertiveness

2012-02-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

Bailey states, "The goal of assertiveness is clarity." The goal is not to please others or to show anger to others. The goal is to directly explain how we feel and what we need or want. Sounds easy in theory, right?

Everyday I teach children how to be assertive with one another as I believe that it is through assertive communication that children become empowered and find worth in themselves. In all honestly, sometimes this lesson is hard for even adults to learn, particularly when assertive communication is not something that has necessarily been taught to us.

I began really using Bailey's assertive communication with kids three years ago and struggled with it at first - was I being rude to state assertive commands to my students? I learned that by directly stating my feelings and wants, children could easily relate. There was no confusion - my expectations were my expectations and kids have respected that. I also found that utilizing assertive communication allowed me to really utilize a calm and respectful tone with kids, even when frustrated. My voice tends to rise as I get more and more frustrated, leading into more passive-aggressive comments (I have some not so fond memories of trying to get my first kindergarten class "under control"). However, when I am focusing upon assertively stating my feelings and needs to create a teachable moment, I am continually surprised at how calm I remain. I think that this calmness is "downloaded" to my students and allows for a better learning opportunity.

Feel free to make some comments about your thoughts on the chapter.
-Which passive-aggressive beliefs have you held on to, and which are you willing to let go?
-Do you like the structure Bailey has provided for assertive communication?
-Share your thoughts upon using tattling as teachable moment for assertiveness.

Thank you for reading!

Love and Logic Tips - Questions to Invoke Critical Thought

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

This year, in particular, I have heard about how important it is to build critical thinking and problem solving within our kids. More and more, CEOs, bosses and administrators are looking less for someone who had a really high GPA, but more for candidates who have the ability to think on their feet, utilize multiple perspectives, and are able to find creative strategies for solving real life problems. Our staff has been consistently discussing ways we can build critical thinking - strategic questioning, design challenges, and thinking about our thinking (metacognition). I came across these tips from Love and Logic (http://www.loveandlogic.com/) and wanted to share. I encourage everyone to subscribe to their weekly emails - full of helpful tips - and give yourself some time to check out the website. See below for tips or check out this site: http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1411144641.

The more questions we ask,

the better thinkers our kids will become.

People who understand Love and Logic also understand that the human brain seeks closure. When we use plenty of questions, children's brains are so busy searching for closure that they have less energy left over for power-struggles.

The more questions we ask,

the fewer power-struggles we will have.

Kids grow the healthiest and strongest brains when they're fortunate to spend time around adults who say things like:

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"Are you sure that's the best idea?"

"How do you think that's going to work out for you?"

"Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"

"Do you think that's going to work out well or ________?"

"What do you think you are going to do?"

"Which one of these is the best solution to your problem?"

"Do you have enough money to pay for any possible damage?"

"Is that a wise decision?"

In our audio Raising the Odds for Responsible Behavior, we teach a variety of additional tools for giving children the gift of good thinking skills. Perhaps the quickest way to start giving this gift is to get into the habit of asking instead of telling.

Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

Dr. Charles Fay

©2011 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.

Chapter 3: The Seven Basic Discipline Skills

2011-12-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

As a counselor, I always prided myself on using positive self talk and being so aware of my own behaviors and thoughts. This summer, however, a trusted friend was able to tell me, "you are so hard on yourself." I had never really heard it, until then. I started being very aware of the things I was telling myself on a day to day basis - "don't screw this up," "what if...," or "I knew better than that" - things I would never think about saying to a loved one, especially a child. I realized that for me to truly own my own behavior, attitude and thoughts, I needed to begin talking to myself as I would a friend.

As I was reading this chapter, I kept going back to how MY self-talk directly relates to how I respond to a child. In order for me to teach children with love, I need to start treating myself with love as well. While I am still working on it, I am very pleased to say that through my changing self-talk, I have been feeling much more content with me (and all of my mistakes) and more available to really work with my students.

Bailey describes "discipline encounters" as moments where teaching needs to occur but carefully does not refer to these moments as problems, misbehaviors or issues. I love the idea that it is our job as adults to distinguish between our children's wants and needs. Some needs I notice often in school is for children to learn how to delay gratification, handle disappointment and build patience (let's be honest, don't we all still have those needs?!). Instead of focusing upon getting the child to accept that something is not possible, I love this concept that we can teach these specific skills.

Some questions to guide your responses... though we have none so far. Please contribute!!
-On page 52, Bailey discusses the tools that most parents use. Which tools did you experience as a kid, and which ones are you still using?
-What are some of your "what ifs?"
-Do you agree/disagree with the anatomy of the discipline encounter? Would you make any changes to it?
-Share any connections!

Chapter 2: The Seven Powers for Self-Control

2011-11-23T12:11:00.000-08:00

Wow! This chapter held so much information... I like how the author encouraged us to take it slow!

At this point, some of you may be wondering why this chapter focuses so much on you, the parent, instead of how to "handle" your kids. I'll be honest - when I first began learning about Conscious Discipline, this was my first thought! But upon reflection, the only person you can make change is yourself... and it is how you respond to situations and create loving environments that offer the best discipline strategies and guidance for our kids. Therefore, first we look towards ourselves!

I can relate to each of the "powers," but some of my favorites that I have been really working towards are listed below:

1. The Power of Intention - Conflict is an opportunity to teach. As someone who has been a pleaser her whole life, conflict can be difficult for me. I love looking at it in this light - conflict is not a bad thing, but can be a positive aspect in our lives. This idea has really helped me in my relationships with co-workers (and my husband!) and also in calmly helping students who are in a conflict.

2. The Power of Love - See the best in one another! Unfortunately, it is so easy to make quick snap judgments about one another... and about our kids. Seeing the best allows me to not only feel more positive about situations (that may have caused upset in the past), but also allows me the opportunity to focus upon what I want with kids, instead of what I don't want.

An example: I was teaching a guidance lesson with a class and early on in the lesson a student started yelling at a classmate for accidentally hitting her. A conflict immediately ensued. I had two thoughts - first, this was really distracting to my lesson and second, these students needed to learn some basic conflict resolution skills. One of the students had even started crying. I said, "It seems like you have a choice. You can choose to continue to get upset about this and focus on that instead of the lesson or you can choose to hold your frustration and talk it out at the end of the lesson. Which would work for you?" Both students chose to wait and at the end of the lesson, they had a very positive conflict resolution. So positive, in fact, that they stated they wanted to both do the same thing with other students! I felt like I was able to calmly and quickly respond, and help them to learn conflict resolution skills. Thank you, Dr. Bailey!

OK... so here are some thoughts to guide you in discussion, please comment!!!

-Which powers do you connect with most?

-Which powers are most difficult for you?

-What do you think so far about the book? Are you particularly interested/disinterested in any parts?

Cybersafety

2011-11-23T12:08:00.001-08:00

Since we have had the wonderful opportunity of being a STEM school, our children have been immersed in technology. Ipads, internet, glogs, education software, Smartboards, online museum boxes… the list goes on and on! I am finding, as you may be seeing as well at home, that our students are amazingly adept at using these tools and are often much more advanced than I am! The opportunities technology provides are innumerable, but with those opportunities comes responsibilities. Internet safety is essential, particularly as advances in technology are occurring as fast as we can count. Check out these tips below so your child can be “cyber savvy!”

·         Keep the lines of communication open! Talk to your child about the internet and safe/unsafe activities online. Be aware of what your child is doing on the computer and allow your child the opportunity to teach you about it.

·         Explicitly state your rules about internet usage in your home. Post them near the computer and explain consequences if the rules are broken.

·         Keep the computer with internet access in an area where it can be monitored, like a kitchen or a family room … not in the child’s bedroom. That way you can always monitor what is happening and be a part of your child’s internet experience.

·         Talk to your child about information that can and cannot be shared online. Phone numbers, addresses, full names, and schools attended are not appropriate or safe to provide online.

·         Know all passwords! Talk to your child about the importance of only sharing passwords with parents and no one else, even friends.

·         Stay current and have fun! Try to keep abreast of technology so that you can use it as a tool for interacting with your child.

*Taken and adapted from www.cyber-safety.com/parents *

Chapter 1: From Willful to Willing

2011-11-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

In this video, Becky Bailey summarizes many of the key points of this chapter and discusses the shift this approach takes towards loving guidance. I connect most with the idea that conflict brings the opportunity for learning! Children's "misbehavior" is their way of communicating with us... and through these actions they are learning safe/unsafe, right/wrong, socially appropriate/inappropriate, etc. Every interaction we have with (and even around) kids shapes their mind and teaches them. This chapter has helped me to reflect upon what I hope MY actions are teaching children.

Here are some initial questions to guide your responses, or just provide your initial thoughts about this chapter in the comments section below:

-How does this approach to discipline differ or compare to your own approach with your kids?
-What parts of this chapter did you personally connect with, either though your own experience or with your children's experiences?
-What beliefs and values do you hope to adopt?
-What seems challenging to you?

Happy commenting!

Book Study Details

2011-11-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

I am so excited that our Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline (by Becky Bailey) book study is off & running! Here's how it will run:-We'll focus on a chapter monthly. With the monthly focus, I will also bring up different exercises/activities/discussion questions that will connect with the particular theme.-Use the comments to share your thoughts and questions as we go along. -Respond to one another when you can - the conversation about these topics is where the most learning can take place. Again, if you need a copy of the book, we have a few copies ready to loan so just let me know. Let's get started!

Some Favorite Apps

2011-11-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks to our awesome supply of tech resources available this year at our school, I am the proud holder of an ipad! Here are some of my most used apps...
-Puppet Pals - Thank you to Dana & Steph for introducing this one to me! You can create "puppet shows" or stories with characters, backdrops, and voice recording. Great for creating social stories!
-IBooks - I just discovered that you can download PDFs to IBooks & then you can read it just like a book! Use this website to download pre-made social stories http://www.speakingofspeech.com/Social_Skills_Pragmatics.html
-Flipboard - This app allows me to organize news feeds from my favorite sources in a very easy to read fashion. I can stay current with what's happening in the NC School Counselor Association and other education groups.
-Prezi - I love making prezis for classroom guidance lessons and now I can use them on my ipad... perfect for small groups or student organization for projects!
-Dusty D Dawg Has Feelings, Too! - Storybook about emotions that you can personalize and add your own voice!

The Power of the Bystander

2011-11-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, my principal gave me a copy of the September issue of Educational Leadership, which centered upon respect in schools. Much of this issue focused upon the prevalence of bullying in schools and what we can do to help kids respond to it. While I am always up for learning more about how we can prevent bullying and teach our kids specific strategies to handle the challenges that come from it, my first thought was that this issue would be more of the same. More of the same things we see on tv daily, read in magazine articles, or see posted on Facebook about the atrocities of bullying.

I am pleased to report that this issue was different, and, even better, it was helpful! Articles discussed reports of what KIDS say about bullying... and they're seeing it on the front lines. One article also reviewed different school wide bullying programs and looked at their effectiveness. I was surprised (and encouraged) to read that one of the most important factors in successful bullying prevention programs is not focusing upon changing the aggressor or helping the victim to respond - instead it is empowering the bystander to become an ALLY. When bystanders witness bullying and have strategies for how to respond and help, bullying incidents decrease.

Kids listed what their peers did that helped the most and here are a few of the responses:
-They were always at my side to make sure I was ok
-I felt safer when I wasn't alone
-They were there for me and helped me instead of ignoring me
http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/sept11/vol69/num01/What-Students-Say-About-Bullying.aspx

I am lucky to say that I was never really bullied, but I have worked with a lot of kids who have been. I agree - when kids have other students there who "have their back," the bullying does not seem to have as dire consequences. For those students who feel alone, isolated, and constantly targeted, the results of the bullying are very different.

My focus this year is on empowering ALL of our students to do everything they can to make our school a more peaceful place. The best place to start is to be a classmate that helps, instead of hurts.

Don't You Look... Smart?

2011-11-23T11:56:00.001-08:00

My husband, Raleigh, just introduced me to Flipboard - my newest Ipad app. I am able to view news from different groups (NC School Counselor Association, Education groups, etc.) in a very cool and easy to read format. My favorite part about this app is that I am constantly reading cool articles, blogs, etc. that immediately help me in my work with students.

Just came across this article with Flipboard and found it very thought-provoking:
www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/dont-dumb-girls-down-20110829-1jh86.html

Since reading it, I have found myself asking girls and boys, "What was the best book you read today?" whenever I want to comment upon how cute they look! While I think it is important to keep everything in moderation, I do like the idea of focusing upon "smarts" or kids' interests, instead of constantly harping on appearances. While this can be difficult, especially at Hilburn where our kids are pretty darn cute all of the time, I think it's important to be aware of what values we are placing upon our children. Kids are constantly bombarded with media images and messages about appearances, and maybe a good place to start with changing some of those perceptions begins with how we, as adults, talk to kids.

So with that being said, what was the best thing that YOU read today?

STEM ... and school counseling?

2011-11-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

Hilburn has become a STEM school this year and is focusing upon Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. While this opportunity has provided amazing resources for us (ipads for grade levels, incredible support staff, cool teaching opportunities), I have to be honest - I wondered a bit how it would affect my role as a school counselor. Initially, I wondered if my role would really "fit in" with this new school focus.

I discovered that so much of having a STEM focus means applying real world problems to learning situations. It also means working as a team to determine strategies for solving these problems, and handling the conflicts that arise from this teamwork. Students have to learn to use helpful communication with one another, while also accepting ideas that are different from their own.

Sounds a lot like what counselors aim to do in all schools! I'm trying to integrate problem solving into what I do - classroom guidance lessons, small groups, even individual counseling. Here's my thought/philosophy/hope - If we can teach children the SKILLS and STEPS for problem solving, they will learn to apply those skills to future challenges they face. While I know that we all make mistakes (and will certainly continue to do so), I have found that I am much more likely to make a smart choice when I fully think about the what I can do... instead of just acting on an impulse!

I am also trying to focus on reframing our thoughts about "problems" and move from being problem-focused to solution-focused. Instead of thinking about what's wrong, I like to think about what I need to do to make something better. This can be tough.... especially during those times that we just want to vent ... but can help as we determine next steps to take. As one of my favorite professors often told me, "Make the problem the project!" That is what I hope to instill in our students during our STEM-focused year!

So here's the steps I'm teaching (based upon Creative Problem Solving):
-Identify the mess or messes
-Restate your problem (How might I...)
-List 3-5 solutions. What's good about them? What's not good?
-Choose the best way to solve it.
-Reflect... did it work?