Chapter 6: Encouragement

I love this chapter, as the area of encouraging children has been a personal interest of mine for a long time.  I began my education career believing that by telling my students, "Great job!" or "I am so proud of you" or other such comments, I would be building their feelings of self-confidence and self-efficacy (belief in their ability to succeed in a specific area).  I lavished my students with such compliments... and started to notice something.  While my students and I seemed to have a great relationship, I realized that they became quite dependent on me.  Did I like their picture?  Did I think they did a good job in math?  Was I proud of them? Something was off.

Around this time (my 2nd or 3rd year of teaching), I began to learn about more child-centered approaches to discipline and helping students to establishes an internal "locus of control."  When we provide the above types of compliments to our children, we are also establishing ourselves as their judge of what's good or not - and often forcing them to seek outside sources for approval, instead of relying upon themselves.   

Don't get me wrong - praise is NOT a bad thing and I believe it is absolutely essential that we not only  NOTICE our children's behavior, efforts and work, but ACKNOWLEDGE and CELEBRATE it as well.  However, I think there are better ways to meet this goal than consistantly giving vague compliments.

Once again, I embrace Bailey's framework for acknowledging students.  I use this phrase constantly with students and have had great results:

"_(Name)_, you _(behavior)_ so that _(effect)_.  That was helpful, kind, brave, etc.!"

"Lulu, you shared your toy so that Sam could play with it too.  That was kind!"

Even though it feels a bit forced at the beginning, once you begin using this phrase, it easily fits into your daily language and brings upon an immediate beam by the child!  You noticed and celebrated the behavior you want to see continue, without being vague or placing your judgment.  You simply noticed it and added a "tag" to describe the values you saw.

I find this chapter to have so many practical, real life and applicable phrases to begin to integrate into your language with children.  Hopefully you have found the same benefit!  Share any of the phrases that connect with you or any others that you use to notice and encourage your child.  Thanks for reading!

Managing Emotional Mayhem

Love this video!

Chapter 5: Choices

Ever since I started my courses in education, I have heard about the importance of offering students of all ages choices.  I was always taught that choices allowed the child to feel control, while working within your own personal limits.  It sounded like the perfect discipline strategy...

Needless to say, I was so surprised to hear the emphatic, "NO!" when I began offering choices to some of my students.  I thought I was giving them a chance to feel control, but instead I felt as though they were trying to control me!  I got the concept of providing choices, but had no clue where to go from there.

Upon reading this chapter and delving into Conscious Discipline, I realized that I needed to reflect/change a couple of things.

1.  My choices weren't always positive ("You may sit here and keep your hands to yourself or you may leave the group.  Which one works for you?").  I tended, as many parents & teachers often do, to offer "false" choices in order to coerce my students into doing something.  Instead I probably could have said, "You may sit here or you may sit here closer to me.  At both places, keep your hands to yourself.  Which one works for you?"

2.  Look at the reason WHY the child is resisting.  Target the response based on those reasons instead of on my frustration that the child isn't making one of my choices.

3.  Remember, the Power of Perception & Free Will!  I own my feelings and I can only control my own behavior.  Download calm to the child, even if it is difficult to feel.

4.  Involve the child in problem solving, again owning up to my own behavior.  The child will learn decision making skills during this process and will be more apt to make a positive choice when offered.

As someone who tends to be a wishy-washy decision maker, I love this idea of teaching children the power of decisions early in life.  Feel free to comment if interested!

Thanks for reading~

-What were your reactions to reading "The Blame Game" section?
-Share some positive moments with providing choices.
-What are some of your "what ifs" with choices?

Chapter 4: Assertiveness

Bailey states, "The goal of assertiveness is clarity."  The goal is not to please others or to show anger to others.  The goal is to directly explain how we feel and what we need or want.  Sounds easy in theory, right?

Everyday I teach children how to be assertive with one another as I believe that it is through assertive communication that children become empowered and find worth in themselves.  In all honestly, sometimes this lesson is hard for even adults to learn, particularly when assertive communication is not something that has necessarily been taught to us.

I began really using Bailey's assertive communication with kids three years ago and struggled with it at first - was I being rude to state assertive commands to my students?  I learned that by directly stating my feelings and wants, children could easily relate.  There was no confusion - my expectations were my expectations and kids have respected that.  I also found that utilizing assertive communication allowed me to really utilize a calm and respectful tone with kids, even when frustrated.  My voice tends to rise as I get more and more frustrated, leading into more passive-aggressive comments (I have some not so fond memories of trying to get my first kindergarten class "under control").  However, when I am focusing upon assertively stating my feelings and needs to create a teachable moment, I am continually surprised at how calm I remain.  I think that this calmness is "downloaded" to my students and allows for a better learning opportunity.

Feel free to make some comments about your thoughts on the chapter.
-Which passive-aggressive beliefs have you held on to, and which are you willing to let go?
-Do you like the structure Bailey has provided for assertive communication?
-Share your thoughts upon using tattling as teachable moment for assertiveness.

Thank you for reading!